You aren't selfish for putting yourself first...

There was a point in my life where I felt so down because of some people around me. It was a time where I didn’t even realise that the people close to me were so affected that even those who aren’t so close are reaching out because of my silent pleas for peace of mind and happiness.

I was stuck in this bubble of constant fights, tears and frustration that never seemed to end. It was week after week of arguing my view to get my point across that almost always ends in angry tears and loud sobs being smothered by the pillows late at night, only to go back to square one and not be understood after all the emotional exhaustion. I went to bed every night praying so hard asking why I’m going through this challenging times when I’ve tried to my best to be the person expected of me. I felt belittled with my feelings invalidated and for the cycle to start all over again. This lasted for a whole year.

I’d be lucky to go several days without crying, and to go to sleep early and wake up not feeling dreadful because something will snatch away any hope I start to feel. I was physically present but mentally absent at work that one of my managers have pulled me aside and told me to seek help, and if not, they will initiate it for me. I’ve neglected my studies instead of graduating that year. My appetite was barely there and I exhausted myself in the gym since it’s the only place I felt I had control even with the little sleep and nutrition I get. I focused on the decreasing numbers on my weight to find a little silver lining in this depressing cycle. My parents had pulled me aside feeling so worried from hearing the constant crying fest in my room and even suggested to go on a long holiday to ‘find myself again’ which they are willing to financially assist. It made me feel like a disappointment knowing that I’m putting my parents through something they have no control over. I felt the need to get away, to re-assess myself, but I know that running away from problems won’t solve anything.

I’ve put on a mask for a whole year to keep appearances despite always the person who never had to hide their feelings. Obviously, my mask wasn’t as convincing as I thought it would be and people saw the cracks in between and tried to know what the real cause was which made me keep my lip shut even tighter. I’m not the type of person to spill my problems to someone – after what I went through, I became so conscious of the information I give, who I should trust and the company I kept. After all, this whole disaster of a year was caused by my mistake of trusting people who I considered a second family.

Taking advice, I did seek professional help. I found it completely useless as I poured my heart and soul hoping that a qualified professional can understand, but to end up feeling even more invalidated. My insecurities grew and my time was wasted. I resorted to going to my happy place near the waves but it led to wanting the waves to take me where the pain can stop.

My solution to all this was to stay away from everything that has drained my energy. I’ve cut off the root of this toxicity but it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. At the end of the day, I’ll still have a very small connection to this, but my mental health is my first priority over a toxic connection. I’ve reached a point where I had to stand up for myself, and even if it hurts, cut everything off as I never wanted to feel so belittled and unworthy. After being labelled as a monster while protecting your own vibe at the same time insulting your faith, it just made cutting ties much easier. This is still an ongoing healing process as I still get unexpected bouts of anger and anxiety even after all these years, and it still hurts after all this time. I don’t need to forgive them when I know that is their nature and there’s no guarantee of it being avoided; I just need distance and to keep my sanity in check.

I found quotes that speak volumes of how I felt, words that I could never put together and it made me a feel better each time knowing that someone out there really does understand what I’m going through. Not being understood has made me question myself whether or not I’m being dramatic or over-reacting. Those quotes were a source of huge relief and a lifesaver. My appetite is back to normal and even though the numbers on the weight aren’t ideal, I’m healthier and have enjoyed going to gym again instead of using it as an escape. There are days where I’m at church and as I’m listening to the readings, they’re exactly how I feel, giving me comfort that in some way, He is listening and giving a little reminder that this too shall pass. It felt as if my prayers were slowly and silently being answered giving me a sense of peace and hope.
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I can’t wait for the day where I’ll be looking back at this and won’t feel the hurt and the burning tears at the corner of my eyes, and tell myself I did the right choice. I can’t wait for the feeling of complete liberation and peace of mind. This is a constant reminder that I need to be there for myself and put myself first because no one else would. ​