4 years

​I’ve just went through a breakup from a very long relationship. 4 years to be exact. It was a traumatizing experience for me because that relationship was at some point very toxic. Well at first, I didn’t realize that it was becoming toxic because you’ll do anything for the one you love, right? And that is one of my biggest flaw, putting someone else’s feelings and wants/needs first. That I even risked my safety and health for that person. That happened to me lots of times, where I was not comfortable but I still did it because I love her. But what really made me think that it’s time to really put an end to it was the time where, because of the really toxic nature of the relationship, it made me want to hit and hurt myself and to actually do it, was enough for me. After the breakup, eventually I came to the realization that I was really in a bad state. I wasn’t being me, the happy me. The person I should be. While she was finally finding herself, I was losing myself. Now I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I really lost myself that I just feel so numb and that I feel like I can’t even love myself. And the fact that I can’t breathe or having panic attacks every time I think about those times is what made think that it was a traumatizing experience. We still talk of course, my ex and I. We agreed that we’ll still be friends and talk to each other about anything. But every time she asks for us to get back together, I have to say no. Because no one should make me feel like that again. Just because I love someone, I shouldn’t lose myself or change who I really am.