The Four Horsemen of Relationships

In 1992, Gottman identified what he considered to be the four things in a relationship that can predict the end of that relationship (Gottman, 1993; Gottman & Levenson, 1992). He and Levenson believed that it acted in a cascade effect, wherein each stage led into the others, with relationship dissolution often resulting at the end.

“Criticism opens the door. When criticism becomes habitual, contempt follows. Contempt invites defensiveness. And when defensiveness fails to resolve anything, stonewalling takes over. The relationship enters a loop where each partner’s worst response triggers the other’s worst response, and the space for repair shrinks with every cycle” (O’Sullivan, 2026).

Criticism
The first stage is criticism (Gottman, 1993), in which one partner attacks the other’s character (Lisitsa, 2026b). It differs from complaining in that complaining focuses on an event that occurred preceding the complaint, while criticism derides the partner personally. It can often be phrased with words like “always” or “never,” which imply that this is a persistent flaw that the other person has (Lisitsa, 2026b). For example, instead of saying that the noise from the television late at night keeps you up and impairs your sleep, which is a complaint that has you stating your feelings about an action that’s occurring rather than directing the complaint at them personally, criticism would be saying something like accusing your partner of being selfish and greedy, and saying they never think about others beyond themself. Criticism directs the focus from the issue itself onto the other person as an individual.
Criticism erodes the positives of the relationship and worsens other behaviors (Higgins, n.d.). In addition, the partner who is being criticized may feel as if they are being attacked, which may lead to defensiveness (Stone, 2025). Criticism focuses on assigning fault rather than finding a solution. This stage starts to drive the couple apart, turning them from a team into “you versus them.” It becomes challenging to listen to someone who complains about you, and turns issues into personal attacks.

Contempt
Contempt is negative feelings about someone that get expressed verbally (Lisita, 2026a), and it is considered to be one of the strongest predictors of divorce (Gottman, 1993; Lisitsa, 2026a, b; O’Sullivan, 2026; Winfield, 2023). Contempt is considered to be a sign of long-term anger while criticism typically signifies a bottled-up issue (Winfield, 2023). It differs from criticism in that while criticism assaults your partner’s character, contempt comes from a place of believing yourself to be morally superior, and results from long-hold resentment rather than exploding over an issue (Lisitsa, 2026b). For instance, criticism might be something like you telling them that they always leave everything up to you and never consider anyone but themselves, but contempt might be something like you saying that you have never met anyone so lazy, and they always sit around all day while you juggle work for two people, and that they are worthless.
The disgust and scorn of contempt treat the partner’s flaws as if they are enduring and eternal, rather than things that can be worked on (ReachLink, 2026). It also sends the message that you have ceased respecting your partner, while even criticism shows a level of engagement in the partnership that contempt lacks. It is a particularly dangerous horseman because of that, as the one most rooted in disgust.

Defensiveness
Defensiveness refers to one person attempting to defend themselves from what they consider an attack (Brittle, 2026; Lisita, 2026c). It is often a response to criticism (Bennis, 2026). It redirects the blame to your partner (Student Affairs, 2024). While you view yourself as protecting yourself, your partner might feel invalidated (White, 2025). Your partner might think that you do not listen to their problems and that you avoid accountability (Lisitsa, 2026b). An example might be that your partner wants to know why you did not pay the water bill in time after you promised you would, and your response is to snap back that you were busy and why they did not do it instead. Rather than apologizing for the broken promise, as well as the late bill, you shift the blame onto them wholly and refuse to acknowledge your own fault in the matter.
Defensiveness can often worsen the conflict, as the problem goes from whatever the initial issue was to trying to assign blame and protect yourself from your partner rather than trying to communicate things properly and collaborate.

Stonewalling
Stonewalling typically happens due to contempt, and occurs when the one being spoken to withdraws from the conversation (Lisita, 2026b, 2026d). It might take time for stonewalling to result from criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, but then it becomes very common (Lisita, 2026d). A common form of stonewalling is the silent treatment (Steeped in Hope, 2025). For example, one partner is discussing their complaints that the other did not make dinner while they were at work, despite agreeing to when asked, and the other partner chooses to scroll through their phone the entire time and acts as if they cannot hear. It can make the speaker feel heavily frustrated as they attempt to communicate with their partner and their partner acts as if they are absent.
It can further escalate matters, especially in terms of the other horsemen. If one partner is speaking about an issue they have and the other is stonewalling, the issue can very easily lead to criticism and contempt (Steeped in Hope, 2025). It could even lead to both partners shutting down, which worsens the communication problems.
However, even though these four things are referred to as the four horsemen, them being present is not a guarantee that the relationship can never recover. There are ways to fix things. In a general sense, Gottman suggests that you try to do five good things for every bad thing (Gottman, 1994, as cited in Gottman & Levenson, 1999), but there are more specific things to be done that target each horseman.

How to Fight Them
One way to fix the criticism horseman is to phrase your issues about what bothers you internally rather than externally (Panganiban, 2026). This means that, rather than directing things as a “jab” at your partner’s character, directly focus on the issue that bothers you, and to phrase it as it affects you. Instead of calling your partner lazy for not doing the dishes and swearing that they never do any work, it would be better to tell them that the sight of the pile of dishes upsets you and you would rather work on doing dishes as you go instead of allowing it to grow so large. It is also suggested that part of why people criticize their partners is because they feel too vulnerable to open up about the need underlying the criticism (Panganiban, 2026; Winfield, 2023). This means that addressing your internal issues helps because it allows you to open up more.
Using I statements is particularly effective for dealing with the criticism horseman, as it phrases things according to how you feel rather than attacking what your partner is doing (Gottman Institute, 2026; Panganiban, 2026). For example, saying that you feel lonely is better than insulting your partner for going out with their friends and accusing them of being too self-centered to think of you. It also helps to show your partner how you feel about things, while criticizing them might provoke a fight that inhibits communication.
Contempt can be fought similarly to criticism at first, by talking about “your own feelings and needs” (Lisita, 2026a). For instance, instead of sneering at your partner over how even the dog knows how to show affection, you can talk about how you feel neglected and you want to make an effort to spend more time together. However, that mostly focuses on the short-term, rather than the long-term. In the long-term, it is important to focus on building up “fondness and admiration” (Lisita, 2026a). This helps to combat the disgust and disrespect of contempt, and serves to remind couples of why they love one another.
A way to deal with defensiveness is to take responsibility for your role in the problem, even if it is not solely your fault (Lisita, 2026c). Instead of making snide remarks at your partner over why they did not clean the dishes when they saw the pile, admit that you also could have done so and that you said you would. Acknowledging your fault lets your partner know that you hear their concerns and that you consider their feelings valid. It also prevents the conversation from becoming a fight, and allows the couple to move forward together rather than focusing on assigning blame.
However, it is important to acknowledge that in a relationship, it is often due to both parties that a problem results, rather than solely one person being the cause. It is important to keep in mind that your partner also has a perspective on the conflict, and even if it differs from yours, it is just as valid (Benson, 2026). Even if they are completely wrong from your perspective, they might possess different information that makes them believe the same thing about you. “Once you accept the idea that in every disagreement there are always two valid points of view, it’s no longer necessary to argue for your own position” (Benson, 2026). Your partner is supposed to be your teammate, not your enemy, so it’s important to work together on issues, and find the root of the conflict. Both parties need to take responsibility for issues when it comes to the defensiveness horseman, rather than only one partner taking the blame.
Often, when someone is stonewalling, they are in a state of physiological arousal and stress (Lisita, 2026d). This means that the first thing to do to reduce stonewalling is to simply remove yourself from the situation and put the interaction on pause. However, it can appear as further stonewalling to simply walk away from the conversation, so instead, you and your partner need to discuss beforehand how to take a break without upsetting one or both parties even more. Once you have taken yourself out of the environment, it is important to find a way to self-soothe. After calming down, you and your partner can agree to resume the conversation and try to utilize the methods to combat the other horsemen to avoid further stonewalling.

References
Bennis, K. (2026, February 2). Defensiveness. Kate Bennis Studio. https://katebennisstudio.com/blog/defensiveness
Benson, K. (2026, May 18). There are two views to every conflict and both are valid. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved June 18, 2026, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/two-views-every-conflict-valid/
Brittle, Z. (2026, May 10). D is for defensiveness. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved June 12, 2026, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/d-is-for-defensiveness/
Gottman, J.M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7(1), 57-75. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0893-3200.7.1.57
Gottman, J.M., & Levenson, R.W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Gottman, J.M., & Levenson, R.W. (1999). What predicts change in marital interaction over time? A study of alternative models. Family Process, 38(2), 143-158. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00143.x
Gottman Institute. (2026, January 16). The four horsemen: The antidotes. Retrieved June 18, 2026, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
Higgins, J. (n.d.). How to know if you are too critical in relationship & why. Dr. Jessica Higgins. Retrieved June 12, 2026, from https://drjessicahiggins.com/how-to-know-if-you-are-too-critical-in-relationship-why/
Lisita, E. (2026, March 4). The four horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved June 12, 2026, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/
Lisitsa, E. (2026, May 10). The four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved June 11, 2026, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Lisita, E. (2026, May 13). The four horsemen: Defensiveness. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved June 12, 2026, from http://gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/
Lisita, E. (2026, May 14). The four horsemen: Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved June 12, 2026, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/
O’Sullivan, F. (2026, May 15). The four horsemen are not communication problems. They are survival responses. Empathi. https://empathi.com/blog/what-is-the-gottman-four-horsemen/
Panganiban, K. (2026, May 13). Types of criticism: Expressing concern or complaint without harm. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved June 12, 2026, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/types-of-criticism-expressing-concern-or-complaint-without-harm/
ReachLink. (2026, April 3). Contempt in relationships: The warning sign that predicts divorce. https://www.reachlink.com/advice/relations/contempt-in-relationships/
Steeped in Hope. (2025, August 23). Stonewalling. https://steepedinhope.com/blog/stonewalling
Stone, T. (2025, February 13). Marriage killer #1 criticism: What it is and how to stop it. Roots Relational Therapy. https://www.rootsrelationaltherapy.com/blogs-for-better-relationships/criticism
Student Affairs. (2024, January 11). A deeper dive  into the four horsemen: Defensiveness. The University of Oklahoma. https://students.ouhsc.edu/Campus-Life/Student-Wellness/Wellness-Articles/a-deeper-dive-into-the-four-horsemen-defensiveness
White, K. (2025, September 3). How to tell if you’re being defensive in your relationship (and what to do about it). Connect Couples Therapy. https://connectcouplestherapy.com/how-to-tell-if-youre-being-defensive-in-your-relationship-and-what-to-do-about-it/
Winfield, A. (2023, March 27). Criticism and contempt. Mindfully Well Counselling Cork. https://corkpsychotherapyandtraumacentre.ie/relationships/criticism-and-contempt/